Letters to My Frenemy
by 9foxgrl
Summary: Out of the blue Harry decides to write to Voldemort to help him escape the Order of Fried Chickens. includes kung-fu practicing familiars, and Bellatrix with a chainsaw. bashing and silliness galore. some hinted pairings but nothing Sirius.


Letters to my Frenemy

9foxgrl

It all started with Harry's first letter in late November during his Fifth year. It was hard to miss a snowy owl having a Kung-Fu match with a large snake while holding a blood stained letter.

* * *

_Dear Tom Marvolo Riddle or whatever you call yourself now,_

_I would like to make a proposition to you. You can have the U.K., just let me have a portkey out of the country. Hell, I'll go live in the Amazon or in Serbia at this point. Either way just let me and a small select group of people leave and Britain is all yours. _

_I am willing to meet face to face if you can somehow help me escape the clutches of the Order of Fried Chickens. _

_Harry Potter _

_p.s. sorry for all the blood. My wounds from Umbitch's quills still haven't healed up._

* * *

_Dear Potter,_

_I am intrigued about this proposition of yours. I am surprised that you would want to leave. What happened to the stubborn hero? _

_Try not to bleed out before then. _

_The Dark Lord_

_p.s. Order of Fried Chickens? _

* * *

_Dear Dark Lord in Hiding, _

_Frankly I'm over you killing my parents. A wise muggle once said "revenge may taste sweet in your mouth, but its bitter going down", or something like that. It's not helping that everyone is acting like I'm an attention whore thanks to those articles by Skeeter and the Prophet. Plus I think if I go back to the Durselys one more time I am going to snap and take advice from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre! (You should watch it, it's a good movie.)_

_If you ever see a beetle with glasses like marking, step on it!_

_As for the Order of Fried Chickens…Couldn't help the insult, they think they can fight you by running around like chickens with their heads cut off. It's amusing to watch. Just ask Snape. _

_And the blood, I still can't get the blood to stop. Not even with the various blood clotting potions, and bandages I've been using. I believe those quills are cursed or something. Is there a spell or something for that? _

_Hoping to be Freed Potter_

_P.s. tell Nagini to stop fighting Hedwig. I don't want to know why, but she made me order her some ninja stars. _

* * *

_Dear Caged Brat,_

_I will not comment on the actions of our familiars, even if it was amusing to see them team up to attack Pettigrew. Frankly I don't want to know how or when Nagini learned to wield a sword. At least you can tell Black that he's dead now. My own snake beheaded him. Oh well, at least that's one less useless minion. _

_I've enclosed a borderline illegal potion that should stop the bleeding, because frankly it's hard enough to make out your atrocious handwriting without all the blood smears. How the Hell has no one noticed that?_

_Is this Umbitch that new Defense Teacher the one Fudge appointed? What sort of quill is it? If it's a normal Blood Quill, you shouldn't have bleed out this much!_

_I am not Hiding! Riddle!_

_p.s. finally got around to seeing that movie, I think it gave Bellatrix ideas because she just left to rob a hardware store_

* * *

_Dear Invisible Lord,_

_Thank you for the potion, it's nice not having to steal some blood replenishes for once just so I don't faint from all the blood loss. I don't know if she uses a different quill for me, just that it's all black with a silver tip. _

_I highly doubt anyone has noticed that for the last two weeks all my assignments have been stained with blood. If they had, they are sadistic bastards! _

_Yes, the one we call Umbitch, is one Dolores Umbridge, appointed by the Farce of a Minister! The pink of her attire alone can blind you. She just makes us read from this book that teaches nothing but theory! I would rather have a Death Eater; yes one of YOUR minions teaching us! Hell, if you don't believe me ask Malfoy jr. the things she says about werewolves._

_Can I request her death, or the Durselys? Like a mob hit? I'll pay you!_

_Planning to Bail Potter_

_p.s. sorry about Nagini, she came over earlier this summer to watch a Bruce Lee movie marathon. _

* * *

_Dear Flight Risk, _

_I spoke to Draco, and it is appalling at how far the Old Goat has let the school fall. If I did curse that spot she would be dead by now! It's no wonder all my new recruits are idiots, I'd sooner give a wand to monkey! _

_As to your requests, if you give me your relatives address I can send Bellatrix over. _

_However for Umbridge, I passed on her remarks to Fenrir Greyback, he's a werewolf if you didn't know, and he's offered to personally kill her himself free of charge. Something about pride and honor of the pack or what not._

_Bruce Lee? I'm not even going to ask who he is._

_Future Ruler_

_P.s any requests for the Dursely's demise_

* * *

_Dear Future King of the Sheeple _

_Give the enclosed bag of galleons to Greyback and tell him thank you. I don't know what he did to Umbitch, but we are free of the pink toad! It was hilarious to see the Fried Chickens trying to figure out how he got in._

_I don't care how the Durselys bite it in the end. As long as I get the hell out of here by Christmas. I've already arranged to have my assets moved to a new location with Gringotts. All you need to do is pretend to kill me and my chosen associates then we will be out of your …err…nonexistent hair!_

_Jail Break _

* * *

_Dear Houdini, _

_I HAVE HAIR NOW YOU BRAT!_

_The 'battle' has been set for next Quidditch match. Just so I know, how many are leaving with you?_

_Leader of the Blind Flock_

_p.s. are any of them Weaselys?_

* * *

_Dear Sheep Herder, _

_I only plan on taking Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Lee Jordan, Tracey Davis, Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and the Weasely Twins. Everyone else can go burn in Hell._

_James Bond_

* * *

_Dear 007,_

_What happened to the Golden Trio and the Weaselette?_

_Dark One Rising_

* * *

_Dear Snake King, _

_They were double crossing bastards who were slipping me potions, spying, stealing, and sabotaging my work. See you tomorrow~!_

_Johnny Cash_

_p.s. the signal will be 'Leroy Jenkins'_

* * *

The day Harry Potter and his friends disappeared started out normal, at least until during the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff match when Harry suddenly dived to the pitch and at the top of his lungs screamed "LEEROOY JENKIINNNNSSSS!"

It was then followed by a loud explosion, and Death Eaters storming the field. In the chaos the eight students disappeared.

The Magical Government spent two years both searching for Potter, and fighting the Dark forces until one day they up and disappeared. Apparently according to a statement made on behalf of Queen Elizabeth II, he decided that it was time to retire to his private island in the South Pacific where he was king and Bellatrix and her army of chainsaw wielding monkeys was the army.

Several more years passed as the remaining surviving Order tried to find out if Potter was indeed alive after he was rumored to be spotted in Las Vegas with Susan Bones going into a wedding chapel.

By the time ten years had passed since the anniversary of their disappearance much had changed.

Justin Flinch-Fletchy had been elected the first muggleborn Minister of Magic.

Ron and Hermione finally tied the knot, although they were drunk when it happened.

Ginny…well…she was on her second husband after Michael Corner divorced her. Apparently she aborted her pregnancy after he refused to allow her to name their unborn son Harry.

As for Harry Potter? Well it took thirty years before they saw him again, and when they did, he had been elected as Secretary of Defense for the President of the United States.

* * *

**The End**

**Sorry, just felt like writing a random silly story. Hope you all got a laugh out of some of it.**

**9foxgrl **


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